The End

I have lost the will to write,
I have lost the will to fight.

I have given you my all,
Within me...
there is nothing left anymore.

The love has not died,
He prays for the pain to subside.

The man huddles in the desolated corner,
Trying his best to contain...
The lost little boy inside...

  ¶


06:23 by aberwyn 1 comments

I was only joking

I was at the pub last night again. They were playing that Rod Stewart song. The one that my ex-boss mentioned to me ages ago that it reminded him of me, my life...

I was only joking ~ Rod Stewart

Ever since I was a kid at school
I messed around with all the rules
Apologised then realised
I'm not different after all

Me and the boys thought we had it sussed
Valentinos all of us
My dad said we looked ridiculous
But boy we broke some hearts
In and out of jobs, running free
Waging war with society
Dumb blank faces stare back at me
But nothing ever changed

Promises made in the heat of the night
Creeping home before it got too light
I wasted all that precious time
And blamed it on the wine

I was only joking my dear
Looking for a way to hide my fear
What kind of fool was I
I could never win

Never found a compromise
Collected lovers like butterflies
Illusions of that grand first prize
Are slowly wearing thin
Susy baby you were good to me
Giving love unselfishly
But you took it all too seriously
I guess it had to end

I was only joking my dear
Looking for a way to hide my fear
What kind of fool was I
I could never win

Now you ask me if Im sincere
Thats the question that I always fear
Verse seven is never clear
But I'll tell you what you want to hear
I try to give you all you want
But giving love is not my strongest point
If that's the case it's pointless going on
I'd rather be alone
'cause what I'm doing must be wrong
Pouring my heart out in a song
Owning up for prosperity
For the whole damn world to see

Quietly now while I turn a page
Act one is over without costume change
The principal would like to leave the stage
The crowd don't understand

~~~~~~

When I was younger, during my teenage days, I have always been a quiet rebellious one. I walked over rules that I thought were ridiculous. When I get screamed at and chastened, I would just suffer the punishment silently. When it's over, I would go break the same rules again, but in a stealthier way.

lunch. TBC.
  ¶


11:38 by aberwyn 0 comments

She's Lost Control

She's Lost Control ~ Joy Division

Confusion in her eyes that says it all.
She's lost control.
And she's clinging to the nearest passer by,
She's lost control.
And she gave away the secrets of her past,
And said I've lost control again,
And a voice that told her when and where to act,
She said I've lost control again.

And she turned around and took me by the hand and said,
I've lost control again.
And how I'll never know just why or understand,
She said I've lost control again.
And she screamed out kicking on her side and said,
I've lost control again.
And seized up on the floor,
I thought she'd die.
She said I've lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.

Well I had to 'phone her friend to state my case,
And say she's lost control again.
And she showed up all the errors and mistakes,
And said I've lost control again.
But she expressed herself in many different ways,
Until she lost control again.
And walked upon the edge of no escape,
And laughed I've lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.

~~~~~~

It's been a long time since I heard this song. Probably more then ten years. Written by the old post-punk band Joy Division.

It appeared from out of the blues as I was having lunch with Firecow. My lunch consisted of a mug of soya bean milk and a cup of tea, if you need to know. But I digress.

Anyway, the phrase 'She's lost control' sang in the angsty style of the late Ian Curtis, keep repeating itself in my mind like a broken record.

Maybe it was triggered by the conversation we had last night. It started off as a major argument that mellowed to one of those heart-to-heart talk that we always enjoyed each other's company for.

He's been apparently tracking her mobile call history through underhanded methods. He had been dating other women during these period. He claimed that he got so close to one woman who decided to break off with her boyfriend to be with him. And of course, he rejected that woman cause he wanted her back.

Through the phone records, he found out that we were still talking. And he got fuming mad. And warned her not to see me anymore. He 'will be watching'.

According to what I heard about him, he had always been a good-natured guy. He has changed after the betrayal to be the obsessive, paranoid person that he is now. She felt guilty, that it was her who brought about this change. She wanted to make up for it. She wanted to ease his pain and attempt to make things normal again.

She shut herself away. She screamed. She curled up and cried...

Everybody's Changing...
These last five months... We've all changed in one way or another.

Changes...
At times like this, we either adapt or cry in sorrow, fall into the pit of self pity.

Certain things happen for a reason. No matter how much one wants things to be back to the old, secured 'happy' days, sometimes there is no turning back. The more desperate one wants to make amends, to return life back to 'normal', the more one succumbs to the guilt trip. One would lose the way, the sense of self. One would be manipulated by the 'victim' through the guilt of one's mistake.

To blame oneself, or the person who brought about the change, does not resolve the issue. To desperately want things to be the same as before, is futile. It will only make one a victim of guilt trip, make one lose oneself.

"How long are you gonna be put on a guilt trip by him? a few months? If you get back together and get married next year as planned, can you put up with the guilt trip for the next few years? Or even for the rest of your life? With him monitoring your movements illegally?"

During this period, he had every right to date other women and probably slept with at least that one whom supposedly broke up with her boyfriend for him. But you do not have rights to remain in contact with me. And his claims that he has means to monitor your call history made you cowl in fear. Has it occur to you that he had no rights to even be doing that? Where is your sense of self when your privacy is intruded?

"Do not want something so blindly that you lose who you are. Are you in love with this present him? or are you in love with the history of a person you use to know?"

You've lost control.

  ¶


13:30 by aberwyn 3 comments

Random thoughts, random quotes

Cats' usually back off from confrontations, however, a cornered cat will fight ferociously with its teeth and claws. ~ Anonymous

There are 2 types of crying: Crying for someone else, and crying for yourself. Never cry for yourself or you will be stuck in the the well of self pity. ~ Twelve Kingdoms

No matter how strong the material is, it will still break after sometime of repetitive stress.
No matter how much someone can love you, he will start to hate you after repetitive stress too. ~ Me

He who angers you conquers you. ~ Elizabeth Kenny

Get mad. Then get over it. ~ Colin Powell

Those who are quick to anger and raises their voice in anger are the harmless ones. The ones who control the seething anger are the ones one should be wary of. ~ me again

Sorry. The hardest word to say, yet the most overused word by the insincere. ~ me again.

  ¶


15:57 by aberwyn 1 comments

The Next Generation - Part I

Fyonn MacAberwyn, Champion, from the Order of the Blue Rose, sat at the tavern nursing his mug of mead, waiting for his mentor, Cowfire Beefcake, Templar, Leader of the Order of Geylang Lorong 6.

He had been haunted by a dream.. The haunting sounds of the Lute coupled with the melancholic baritone voice still ring in his ears. It was months since this dream started...every night, he had the same dream... of Him. Aberwyn Sweetsong, Master Songster, High Priest to Bran, the Patron of Poetry and Songs. In the dream, he was always sitting under this huge oak, playing his lute, a pained expression on his face. There is a vague shadow moving within the huge trunk of the oak. threatening to spill out to engulf him.

Fyonn has never met his father before. All he knew about him, was what he learned from the ballads the bards and minstrels sing, the stuff legends are made of. Songs about how he helped defend the realm against the invaders, songs about his obsession with a dryad, that led to his downfall by his betrayal of his vows to Bran. Rumours about how he went crazy, giving up the Lute and disappearing from the face of the earth after.

He wondered whether Aberwyn even knew that he sired him.

He arranged to meet Cowfire today, to discuss his urge to start the quest to seek his father. He could feel it within him. His father needs him. He knew his Order will command him to renounce his Paladin Oath to the Church if they were to know what he has planned. As a young Paladin, he is just a pawn to the games the Church plays. Cowfire was an old friend of Aberwyn. Fyonn was sure he would be able to help...

  ¶


16:05 by aberwyn 2 comments

Observations through the tinted glass

04 Dec 2004 2125hrs

I was driving down the street to regular pub for a short drink. One of those rare weekends when I felt like leaving the Cave. I was almost blinded by the neon lights as the retail industry was all dressed up, gearing for the festive holidays. The shopping complexes were adorned with Christmas decorations and bright flashing light. The streets were with couples walking hand-in-hand; groups of happy, loud youngsters attracting attention with their outrageously colourful outfit. Everyone seemed happy, welcoming the weekend, enjoying the festive mood.

Somehow I was not affected by the revelry. The whole scene seemed surreal. As if I was watching the world go by through a removed perspective, through a piece of tinted, frosted glass. I feel like an outsider, watching the world making it's revolutions, observing the busy ants going about their lives. At times I wish I was amongst them, a normal, happy one. At times I felt glad that I was not; frolicking mindlessly in that life-size Lego set.

One thing is for sure, thirty-two over years of my life, I have never felt that I belonged...
Always the outsider...Always watching from afar...

  ¶


14:01 by aberwyn 2 comments

The Messenger

I am the hanging man...I am the Fool...I bring change wherever I go... I bring bad news...
They see me as the Harbinger of disasters...they see me as Death's avatar...
Little did they know... or care... about how i feel...
bringing changes to their lives... delivering bad news...
I brought changes with a heavy heart... I delivered bad news with tears in my eyes...
They chose to punish the messenger... they chose to kill the messenger...
I am alone... I am always alone...
The Postman of bad news.
The Harbinger of Disaster.

  ¶


04:09 by aberwyn 3 comments